Carolyn Hax: Ranting daily is a study in anger mismanagement

August 22, 2024

Hi, Carolyn: I am married to a great guy — second marriage for both of us. Unfortunately, he has an anger management problem. He blows up at all sorts of stuff he doesn’t like in the world, and rants and raves on a daily basis using [fox] liberally as well as other expletives. He isn’t angry at me, but I have to listen to his foul language as he rants about whatever has upset him this time — usually other people he deems to be stupid, calling them [glass bowls].

I know it’s just venting, but I have asked him over and over to cut out the swearing. I tell him the swearing really bothers me, but he just continues anyway. Do you have a suggestion to get this to stop or how to handle it?

— Bothered

Bothered: A “great guy” will agree to get counseling for anger management and to address the source of the anger itself.

I have a really hard time seeing someone as “great,” though, who drops his popcorn over every jerk who cuts him off in traffic.

Life hands us encounters with [glass bowls] every day. Every day. At what point are we responsible for seeing this and resetting our tempers accordingly? At what point is he responsible?

There is also no “just venting” that involves “rants and raves on a daily basis using [fox] liberally.”

Your husband’s behavior is not normal, healthy or necessary — nor is your treating it as a mere nuisance for him to rein in.

I suggest you read “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker — not necessarily because I think your husband is going to turn violent, though I could make a case for his being abusive in the quantity and intensity of the anger alone, even if it’s not at you. I recommend it because it’s a really useful, clear, memorable exploration of what “normal” is — and isn’t. I urge everyone to read it, actually, if for no other reason than to calibrate one’s own relationship-health sensors.

Gently, firmly insist on therapy, and be prepared for a trial separation if he refuses, because daily life amid anger like that is one nobody deserves.

Dear Carolyn: My husband, toddler and I currently live with my family while we struggle to pay down debt. Space is limited. We’ve been at each other constantly with little annoyances and it feels like one of us is always frustrated with the other. I’m also pregnant and pretty emotional right now.

Although it seems like we’re getting too much of each other, I actually think what we need is to reconnect. Any suggestions? I’m getting too much of him, but I still miss “us.”

— Frustrated

Frustrated: This is not a preggo joke, swearsies: It’s time to go Buddhist and start wanting what you have.

Live in this moment. Let all kinds of stuff go. By the bucketload. Annoyances? Ha. Maybe for lesser souls they are, but you are beyond annoyance into a soft-focus netherworld of who gives a flying [toy truck].

Connect where you are. “Us,” as-is.

Frustration is for people who think things should be a certain way. Reject “should” for the tyranny it is and go all in, all whatever, all now.

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